Tag Archives: dream

insecurities & emotional attachment

16 Nov

“While confidence is important, there’s also a balance of keeping your insecurities in tact. They stop you from becoming an asshole. You need to be emotionally connected enough to care about your work, but not enough to take things personally. For me, the insecurities never go away. Becoming more established doesn’t decrease them, they just move around to different baskets.”
Lotta Nieminen for OKREAL

Resonate so hard.

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Weekend Musings: Moving On

8 Sep

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about letting go and moving on. Not an easy task, to say the least. And moving on from what, you might ask? An ex-boyfriend? A fallen friend? A screw up at work? Negative, nope, not that either.

No, I’m talking about letting go and moving on from the big, bold career plan I had hung on to so dearly for so long – as if it were the only thing keeping me from drowning in the big open sea of life.

And while I have made significant strides – no more career tunnel vision! – I still find myself bouncing back and forth striving for the life I had planned on (or some slight variation there of) and the life I’m still afraid to admit may actually be the right fit.

So what’s a girl to do? Well for starters, I’ve spent a big chunk of free time over the last two years reading inspirational stories about others who have ventured down an unexpected path, only to be pleasantly surprised with the satisfying outcome at the end. Uplifting – and sometimes harshly honest – quotes also help. Why yes, I do scribble them down on ironically bright Post-it notes and tape them to my fridge to be front and center every day of my life.

Wait, not everyone does that?

And I guess it’s to be expected at this time of year that I’m reminiscing about the high-fashion career I was starting even before I graduated college. New York Fashion Week just started, and I always feel a twinge of longing (FOMO, if you will) for that world I was starting to become a part of.

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But I have to stop and ask, is that really the life I want for the next 40 years? Do I really want to stay up ‘til 4am every night for four weeks straight twice a year (and not in a fun, let’s wake up with some regrets kind of way – no, in an obligatory, do your job and be better than everyone else kind of way)? Do I really want to be required to schmooze my way through work parties and happy hours only to gain one more business card from someone who may or may not be able to “help” me in the near future?

TBD…

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I’ve always known I wanted to create a career that was impressive to onlookers and covetable to new up-and-comers. A career like the one I was starting – working as a fashion publicist at the premiere PR firm in the sartorial world.

But in recent years, I find myself over and over again standing at the crossroads of that life I think I want and the life that will actually be sustainable, and – dare I say it – perhaps even more desirable in the long run. I have to admit that I still get a high off of telling people what I do and seeing that look of revere in their eyes. Shallow and a bit needy to feel better about myself because of that? Perhaps.

And then I think about relaxed weekends filled with brunches, dinners and other things that signify truly living life (life, not work – let me reiterate). Tempting, to say the least.

And there in lies the internal struggle that rears its ugly head every year at the start of fashion month.

I guess I’ll have to continue internalizing thought leaders’ wise words and reading true-life tales from game changers around the globe. Here’s to continuing on the path of the unknown and hopefully seeing the light at the end of the tunnel – whatever ending that light may shed upon.

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photo 1 from wit + delight, all others my own.

here we go.

29 Apr

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morning morning. here we are, another monday, another two weeks void of blogging (save for a few ardent eyes posts). we can only get better from here, right?

the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind for me. from ramping up some activities and letting others go to diving head first into the austin professional community, i feel i’m finally making strides on the ‘ol job hunt front. but while i’m feeling better and more comfortable with my approach, there’s still a lot to do (i.e. actually landing a job).

so without further ado, here’s what on the list for this week in an effort to continue full steam ahead on my progress:

– working on a really excited application today (requires ideas, suggestions, and lots-o-thought put into it)

– updating all my web pages with the new and improved résumé format

– reaching out to a long list of suggested contacts and companies

– laundry and grocery shopping

– and for a bit of fun, one of my good friends is coming in to austin this weekend, so lots of planning to be done.

what’s going on with you this week? can’t wait to make it another good one!

photo my own.

ardent eyes.

28 Apr

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this is genius. keeping this in mind right now.

photo from demetri martin via a cup of jo.

ardent eyes.

14 Apr

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photo from note to self.

ardent eyes.

8 Feb

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repeat alert. can’t get enough of this image.

photo from carolina engman on instagram via wit + delight.

from where i sit.

6 Feb

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so, it’s been a while since i’ve done one of these posts. i was considering doing away with them completely, yet here we are, giving it another go.

but this time, it’s a little different. i’ve long been a “part” of the ever expanding blogosphere. mostly quietly listening from the sidelines, soaking up all the insights, inspirations and ideas from industry boundary pushers. and i’ve long thought what direction i wanted to take my blog – should i write about fashion? should i post lots of pictures? should i be funny, solemn, quirky or cutesy? should i be doing this at all?

and many of these introspective questions remain unanswered.

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which leads me to a deeper reflection – a deeper look at my life in general and the many unanswered questions i have there, too.

maybe it’s the stage of life – 26 as of a couple weeks ago – or the unwavering pace  of things today – can we just take a sec to enjoy our coffee, or breathe a little? just one second? or maybe it’s the simple realization that i’m “growing up” and the pressures of “needing” to be moving toward a settled life are closing in at a more rapid pace than ever experienced before (ed note: and by “settled,” i most certainly don’t mean married, with kids and a white picket fence outside my gingham framed windows. i mean “settled” in the sense of having a sure direction and at least getting close to moving into what my life will look like for the distant future.).

maybe it’s all of these things. all of these things inflicting an incredible and often debilitating sense of lost i’ve never felt before.

coming out of college, i had it all figured out. i knew exactly how things were going to go. i got a degree in pr, so naturally, i would work in pr. in new york. in fashion.

naturally.

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and then it didn’t work out. pr, new york, nor fashion. none were a fit.

fuck. what the hell do i do now?

this was my plan. working and living in new york, doing the fashion pr thing, leading this incredibly challenging yet fulfilling life surrounded by equally over-the-top ambitious people. this was it. this was the dream.

but what if that wasn’t the dream? what if that wasn’t what i was supposed to do? do i have to come up with a new dream? do i keep parts of that dream and fill in the holes with other “dreams”?

where do i go from here?

and now here i am, two years later, asking the same questions. yet again.

and it isn’t any easier the second time around. i always knew coming back to austin wasn’t the solution. this was a temporary fix. some people are more than happy – thrilled, even – to make an impact on the area they grew up in. and that’s great. for them. but not for me. i need something more. something big. something different.

but what does that mean, look like, feel like?

i had an inkling the draw of new york would never leave me. and as the weeks that turned into months that turned into years drifted unimpressively by, the hold that great city has on me only grew. i never could quite shake it.

and now that i know new york is the place for me, i’m having more doubts than ever. what if i’m not good enough? what if i can’t make the switch from pr to branding? what if i’m not cut out for the work life it takes to make it in new york?

what happened to that fearless girl who was so sure of her direction? so sure of what the future held? so sure of what her life would look like? so sure of herself.

i’m scared that’s she’s not around anymore. i’m scared that she was chewed up and spit out and shaken so deeply to her core that she’s now so unsure of herself that she’s turned into a timid, passive girl – a girl she never, in her wildest dreams, thought she’d be. i’m scared that she’s not alive anymore. and maybe never will be again.

but surely that’s not the case? surely, that girl, who used to be so full of drive and held so dearly that need to “make it” in the one city that always felt like home that she would never be afraid to send that email, pick up that phone and make her dreams happen, isn’t gone. surely, she’s still here, buried deep inside, waiting to burst out, guns blazing, and holding that undying dream high above, for all to see.

surely.

so here’s to her. that girl. that girl that i once knew. that girl that i hope to know again.

here’s to keeping those dreams alive.

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all photos my own.