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nothing’s changed

1 Nov

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all old, nothing new. the lingering wonder if things will ever be different. not yet. not this time. when will it shift? when will things mesh, the stars align, everything just click?

i can’t be someone’s crutch. i can’t be my own crutch. that’s not being true – that’s running away. stand on both feet, do your thing, and feel – know – that it’s right.

i can’t be everything to everyone. i can’t be a means to an end. we all need to figure it out. and we will – eventually. and if we do it together, great, but we have to stand on our own first.

is it staying true or just copping out? who knows. only you. only me. that’s the key, isn’t it? knowing. feeling. and then it’s right.

photo from the cat you & us via coco + kelley

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roads.

10 Oct

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so here we are. again. are we doing this again? or more, am i doing this again? and for what? recognition, notoriety, fame, or something supposedly deeper like self satisfaction?

what is one to do when the roads seem ever evolving, more twists and turns added with each step, more possible paths to take? when the sweet, straight-lined road – singular – is no longer so clearly marked? now there are forks, this-way-or-that-way signs. detours and blocks. what is one supposed to do with all those options? choose one? ah, but of course. just choose one – any one will do, you’ll find the way. go with a full heart and open mind and just choose one. simple. as. that.

but is it? will you find the way? will i?

i guess all we can do is keep walking and see…

photo from her paperweight via wit & delight

wanting yet knowing

11 Feb

hope yet fear. joy yet pain. happiness yet grief. fulfilled yet heartbroken. satisfied yet empty. happiness yet anguish.

the ultimate playground of irony.

ever had something that made you feel that way? something that gives you a true sense of satisfaction yet instills a very real sense of emptiness? an emptiness that shakes you to your core. something that’s so real – right in front of you – yet you can never have. not really.

having it is fleeting – and ultimately, earth shattering. your earth anyway. a true similitude but at its core perhaps the ultimate disparity.

you want it, yet you know it will never be.

wanting yet knowing.

here we go.

29 Apr

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morning morning. here we are, another monday, another two weeks void of blogging (save for a few ardent eyes posts). we can only get better from here, right?

the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind for me. from ramping up some activities and letting others go to diving head first into the austin professional community, i feel i’m finally making strides on the ‘ol job hunt front. but while i’m feeling better and more comfortable with my approach, there’s still a lot to do (i.e. actually landing a job).

so without further ado, here’s what on the list for this week in an effort to continue full steam ahead on my progress:

– working on a really excited application today (requires ideas, suggestions, and lots-o-thought put into it)

– updating all my web pages with the new and improved résumé format

– reaching out to a long list of suggested contacts and companies

– laundry and grocery shopping

– and for a bit of fun, one of my good friends is coming in to austin this weekend, so lots of planning to be done.

what’s going on with you this week? can’t wait to make it another good one!

photo my own.

here we go.

8 Apr

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so, it’s been a while, no? after what seems an eternity of wading through self-doubt, frustration, mental blocks, and general feelings of defeat, its seems the clouds are parting and hope is slowly seeping back into my outlook. it’s tough out there, but you gotta keep on keepin’ on.

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so on that note, let’s pick up with our regularly scheduled posts, shall we? in true monday fashion, here’s a look into what’s coming up this week:

– feeling pumped and refreshed to be picking up the job search again! follow-ups, new outreach and application submissions are all on the docket

– finishing up my taxes

– a class on ux tomorrow

– an hscaa meeting on wednesday, followed by a long overdue happy hour

– and this awesome event that i’m super excited to be attending on thursday!

what’s going on with you this week? whatever it may be, make it a good one, and here we go!

all photos via wit + delight.

here we go.

12 Mar

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one day i’ll get my posting act together. and another heads up: posts will be light this week, as well, due to a growing to-do list. but hey, shaking things up is the best thing for me right now.

so, here we go…

– volunteering all week for this unofficial sxsw event

– wrapping my head around projects and tasks to be done for the hsc alumni association i’m helping get off the ground (oh, btw, that run for office i mentioned last week – elected president!)

– attending some more cool sx events

– gaining some traction on the ol’ job search (yay!)

so that’s it – a pretty packed week, but sure to be exciting. what’s going on with you?

photo my own.

from where i sit.

6 Feb

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so, it’s been a while since i’ve done one of these posts. i was considering doing away with them completely, yet here we are, giving it another go.

but this time, it’s a little different. i’ve long been a “part” of the ever expanding blogosphere. mostly quietly listening from the sidelines, soaking up all the insights, inspirations and ideas from industry boundary pushers. and i’ve long thought what direction i wanted to take my blog – should i write about fashion? should i post lots of pictures? should i be funny, solemn, quirky or cutesy? should i be doing this at all?

and many of these introspective questions remain unanswered.

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which leads me to a deeper reflection – a deeper look at my life in general and the many unanswered questions i have there, too.

maybe it’s the stage of life – 26 as of a couple weeks ago – or the unwavering pace  of things today – can we just take a sec to enjoy our coffee, or breathe a little? just one second? or maybe it’s the simple realization that i’m “growing up” and the pressures of “needing” to be moving toward a settled life are closing in at a more rapid pace than ever experienced before (ed note: and by “settled,” i most certainly don’t mean married, with kids and a white picket fence outside my gingham framed windows. i mean “settled” in the sense of having a sure direction and at least getting close to moving into what my life will look like for the distant future.).

maybe it’s all of these things. all of these things inflicting an incredible and often debilitating sense of lost i’ve never felt before.

coming out of college, i had it all figured out. i knew exactly how things were going to go. i got a degree in pr, so naturally, i would work in pr. in new york. in fashion.

naturally.

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and then it didn’t work out. pr, new york, nor fashion. none were a fit.

fuck. what the hell do i do now?

this was my plan. working and living in new york, doing the fashion pr thing, leading this incredibly challenging yet fulfilling life surrounded by equally over-the-top ambitious people. this was it. this was the dream.

but what if that wasn’t the dream? what if that wasn’t what i was supposed to do? do i have to come up with a new dream? do i keep parts of that dream and fill in the holes with other “dreams”?

where do i go from here?

and now here i am, two years later, asking the same questions. yet again.

and it isn’t any easier the second time around. i always knew coming back to austin wasn’t the solution. this was a temporary fix. some people are more than happy – thrilled, even – to make an impact on the area they grew up in. and that’s great. for them. but not for me. i need something more. something big. something different.

but what does that mean, look like, feel like?

i had an inkling the draw of new york would never leave me. and as the weeks that turned into months that turned into years drifted unimpressively by, the hold that great city has on me only grew. i never could quite shake it.

and now that i know new york is the place for me, i’m having more doubts than ever. what if i’m not good enough? what if i can’t make the switch from pr to branding? what if i’m not cut out for the work life it takes to make it in new york?

what happened to that fearless girl who was so sure of her direction? so sure of what the future held? so sure of what her life would look like? so sure of herself.

i’m scared that’s she’s not around anymore. i’m scared that she was chewed up and spit out and shaken so deeply to her core that she’s now so unsure of herself that she’s turned into a timid, passive girl – a girl she never, in her wildest dreams, thought she’d be. i’m scared that she’s not alive anymore. and maybe never will be again.

but surely that’s not the case? surely, that girl, who used to be so full of drive and held so dearly that need to “make it” in the one city that always felt like home that she would never be afraid to send that email, pick up that phone and make her dreams happen, isn’t gone. surely, she’s still here, buried deep inside, waiting to burst out, guns blazing, and holding that undying dream high above, for all to see.

surely.

so here’s to her. that girl. that girl that i once knew. that girl that i hope to know again.

here’s to keeping those dreams alive.

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all photos my own.