from where i sit.

6 Feb

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so, it’s been a while since i’ve done one of these posts. i was considering doing away with them completely, yet here we are, giving it another go.

but this time, it’s a little different. i’ve long been a “part” of the ever expanding blogosphere. mostly quietly listening from the sidelines, soaking up all the insights, inspirations and ideas from industry boundary pushers. and i’ve long thought what direction i wanted to take my blog – should i write about fashion? should i post lots of pictures? should i be funny, solemn, quirky or cutesy? should i be doing this at all?

and many of these introspective questions remain unanswered.

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which leads me to a deeper reflection – a deeper look at my life in general and the many unanswered questions i have there, too.

maybe it’s the stage of life – 26 as of a couple weeks ago – or the unwavering pace  of things today – can we just take a sec to enjoy our coffee, or breathe a little? just one second? or maybe it’s the simple realization that i’m “growing up” and the pressures of “needing” to be moving toward a settled life are closing in at a more rapid pace than ever experienced before (ed note: and by “settled,” i most certainly don’t mean married, with kids and a white picket fence outside my gingham framed windows. i mean “settled” in the sense of having a sure direction and at least getting close to moving into what my life will look like for the distant future.).

maybe it’s all of these things. all of these things inflicting an incredible and often debilitating sense of lost i’ve never felt before.

coming out of college, i had it all figured out. i knew exactly how things were going to go. i got a degree in pr, so naturally, i would work in pr. in new york. in fashion.

naturally.

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and then it didn’t work out. pr, new york, nor fashion. none were a fit.

fuck. what the hell do i do now?

this was my plan. working and living in new york, doing the fashion pr thing, leading this incredibly challenging yet fulfilling life surrounded by equally over-the-top ambitious people. this was it. this was the dream.

but what if that wasn’t the dream? what if that wasn’t what i was supposed to do? do i have to come up with a new dream? do i keep parts of that dream and fill in the holes with other “dreams”?

where do i go from here?

and now here i am, two years later, asking the same questions. yet again.

and it isn’t any easier the second time around. i always knew coming back to austin wasn’t the solution. this was a temporary fix. some people are more than happy – thrilled, even – to make an impact on the area they grew up in. and that’s great. for them. but not for me. i need something more. something big. something different.

but what does that mean, look like, feel like?

i had an inkling the draw of new york would never leave me. and as the weeks that turned into months that turned into years drifted unimpressively by, the hold that great city has on me only grew. i never could quite shake it.

and now that i know new york is the place for me, i’m having more doubts than ever. what if i’m not good enough? what if i can’t make the switch from pr to branding? what if i’m not cut out for the work life it takes to make it in new york?

what happened to that fearless girl who was so sure of her direction? so sure of what the future held? so sure of what her life would look like? so sure of herself.

i’m scared that’s she’s not around anymore. i’m scared that she was chewed up and spit out and shaken so deeply to her core that she’s now so unsure of herself that she’s turned into a timid, passive girl – a girl she never, in her wildest dreams, thought she’d be. i’m scared that she’s not alive anymore. and maybe never will be again.

but surely that’s not the case? surely, that girl, who used to be so full of drive and held so dearly that need to “make it” in the one city that always felt like home that she would never be afraid to send that email, pick up that phone and make her dreams happen, isn’t gone. surely, she’s still here, buried deep inside, waiting to burst out, guns blazing, and holding that undying dream high above, for all to see.

surely.

so here’s to her. that girl. that girl that i once knew. that girl that i hope to know again.

here’s to keeping those dreams alive.

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all photos my own.

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